A Rough Afternoon

This post has taken me almost 2 weeks to write. I started one night after coming home from spending the afternoon at my mom and dad's. I didn't finish it that first night, so I came back to it the next night when I wasn't so emotional and decided it wasn't what I should post. And I have continued to do that almost every night since.

There are several blogs that I follow that belong to people I don't even know. What I love about these blogs is that they aren't afraid to post their true, raw feelings. And I love reading them. I admire people who can express their feelings and not give a second thought to what people might think when they read it. I think that's why I have retyped this post so many times. I say things and then I think uh oh, if so-and-so reads that, they will_____, or they will think _____, or they will say _____ to me. I want to be more like the people who aren't afraid of such things.

Anyway, back to the reason for this post.......

Haden had to go spend a couple hours at Lagoon after school one day, so I decided to spend that time at my parents house so that I wouldn't have to drive all the way back home and then back to pick him up when he was done. I think everyone knows that my sweet mom was diagnosed with alzheimers last fall and those even closer to me know how much I have struggled with her diagnosis. I am and have always been a self proclaimed momma's girl, and really you can't possibly even know how much. I love her so much. Her memory is getting worse and worse and she knows it. The day that I was there, she got upset after she didn't remember something and my dad and I had to remind her several times. My dad had walked down the hall with Maycie and my mom reached over, grabbed my hand, and said "Britney, my memory is so bad." She started crying and then said, "I bet you hate coming up here because you have to repeat yourself so much." My heart broke into a million pieces for her right then. For over 6 months now, I have been more concerned with how this illness affects me. And how it affects my kids. But really, my mom is the one who got the shittiest end of the deal. I can't even imagine how it would be to be in a body that is, for the most part, physically fine and then have a mind that is constantly making you feel like you're losing that mind. She has totally been cheated. And my dad is being cheated. He is so amazing with her and is with her literally 24 hours a day. They are each other's sweethearts and she hates to be away from him.

I held it together until I left their house and then I cried the whole way home and then more after I got home and told Cody the story.

I want my mom back. I want my kids to have their grandma back. I have so many memories of the grandma she was when my boys were little and I feel bad for my girls and my unborn baby because they will never know her that way. I want to spend everyday with her. Because in my head, if I am there and she sees me all the time, she won't ever forget who I am. Please don't ever let her forget who I am. I won't be able to handle that. I want to tell her stories and have her remember them so we can talk about them the next time I'm there. I want her to remember when she worked at Tanner Clinic and we would go to lunch every Tuesday together. I want her to reminisce with me about when my kids were babies and remind me of the stuff that I can't remember. She is still an amazing woman and mom so don't misunderstand, I WILL cherish every second that my kids and I spend with her, and I will continue to make memories with her but still, there are times when I want to be selfish.......there are times when.......

I just want my mom back.